AASECT stands for American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. As a sexuality counselor, I have been certified by AASECT since 2012. The organization holds annual conferences which are important to those of us who want to present our findings, take workshops from other professionals, socialize with peers, and/or gain valuable continuing education credits to renew our certifications.
Last year, in 2020, the conference in Palm Springs was cancelled due to the pandemic. This year the AASECT conference will be online. But they are planning for 2022 to take place in Tampa, Florida.
This is a terrible idea given that Florida has just passed (HB) 1475, the Republican-sponsored “Fairness in Women’s Sports Act” which would allow for genital exams of high school athletes.
This bill discriminates against trans, non-binary, and intersex students.
From the news link above: <<Some Democrats took issue with part of the bill requiring examinations of students whose sex is called into question.
Rep. Michele Rayner, D-St. Petersburg, likened the requirement to “state-sanctioned sexual assault against children.”
Under the measure, students’ schools would have to resolve disputes “by requesting that the student provide a health examination and consent form or other statement signed by the student’s personal health care provider which must verify the student’s biological sex.”
The measure provides that a student’s sex would be determined by their reproductive anatomy, genetic makeup or “normal endogenously produced testosterone levels.”>>
It is my opinion that AASECT and other organizations that provide counseling and services to LGBTQIA++ people should boycott states which have passed discriminatory legislation. I have already emailed AASECT to ask that they make a change in conferrence locations.
Besides Florida, the following states have passed anti-trans legislation. Source of the lists below, from “Anti-Transgender Bills Filed In 28 States Since Start Of 2021,” Tim Moran, 3/31/21. Patch.com.
If you are an AASECT member, please consider contacting conference@AASECT.org to ask that the conference be moved to a transgender and intersex-welcoming state.
The author of the following wishes to remain anonymous. I am sharing it because it is so vitally important. In case you don’t know, “cis” and “cisgender” refers to people whose gender identities are congruent with the gender they were assigned at birth: an example of congruence would be someone born with “average” female genitals who has a corresponding internal sense of female gender. “Cis” is rooted in chemical terminology, and is not a perjorative. The use of cisgender and transgender is more polite, as it helps to reduce the “othering” of trans people in dialogue, and reduces the persistent positioning of cisgender as “the norm.”
P.S. The binary-esque categories of transgender and cisgender do not necessarily include people who are intersex. And some people are “gender diverse” without considering themselves trans, though “trans” has become something of an umbrella term.
Content warning: strong language, swearing.
OK so here’s the real tea: some of the things cis people don’t know
1. Everyone perceives gender differently. That person you think doesn’t “pass?” They may be “passing” just fine 90 percent of the time.
2. Therefore your “passing tips” suck. There’s a good chance that the thing you told your trans friend to do to seem more feminine, is the exact same thing some other cis person told them seems too masculine. That’s why we ignore you. You don’t know what you are talking about.
3. Your sexual arousal is not a magic gender detector. For example, if you are a straight dude feeling attracted to a trans man, surprise! Doesn’t magically mean he’s really a woman.
4. “Passing” is a bullshit concept that just means “looking cis.” Maybe we don’t all wanna look like you. Maybe you aren’t as great lookin’ as you thought. Maybe trans is beautiful. WHAT
5. Being trans means dealing with a ridiculous barrage of misgendering and dysphoria-triggering moments. It makes you want to die. You can’t help it. That’s just how fucking dysphoria works. (And you don’t even have to have body dysphoria, social dysphoria is just as real and awful.) So yes, someone slipping up on a pronoun may have just made an innocent mistake, but these are innocent mistakes that literally make you want to rip off your skin/never leave the house again/just die already. And also for every innocent mistake there’s some gaslighting motherfucker who is flubbing your pronoun to fuck with you. Why would you trust it’s innocent? Eventually you WILL snap.
6. As soon as you snap you will be labeled over-dramatic, triggered, a snowflake.
7. Eventually a lot of trans people learn to keep their mouths shut and just swallow all the horrible feelings. These are your “good trans friends” who don’t get upset with you for your bullshit. They are martyred goddamn saints and you have no idea.
8. The “bad trans” are the ones who can’t or won’t shut up and swallow the pain. They will be punished forever.
9. There are a LOT of valid reasons why a trans person may not be transitioning in the way you as a cis person think they should. It may be money. It may be medical. It may be career-related. It may be simple lack of desire. You don’t know. All are equally valid and you are not allowed to have an opinion on how trans people manage our fucking bodies.
10. It’s none of your business. Whatever stupid crap you’re about to ask about, it’s none of your business. Just use the fucking pronouns. We are tired.
Probably my favorite memory of this last weekend’s Gender Spectrum conference (besides a really nice lunch-time conversation with a sexology colleague and her husband) was the “slap-bracelet” incident. Let me explain.
I was doing something I’ve never done before. I presented three times in one weekend! Twice for the teen conference (back to back sessions on Saturday) and once for adults (first thing on Sunday morning). For those who don’t know, the Gender Spectrum Family Conference, which is by and for people who are transgender or otherwise gender variant (and their parents and allies), is probably one of the most awesome annual occurances on the planet – for me, far more significant than Burning Man – because a new world really is being birthed by GS conference attendees and organizers, throughout the year, 24/7, parent by parent, child by child, activist by activist, teacher by teacher, and so on. When I’m at this conference I’m living briefly in a world almost entirely without hate, though hate and fear knocks on all our doors.
Gender Spectrum includes Kids Camps and a Teen Conference. And I’ve always loved the fact that the kids are there, wandering shyly in search of their parents or friends, or swirling through the corridors with their pals. They are all free to be themselves in an accepting environment that should exist naturally for them (and all children and youth) all the rest of the year. And so they dodge past the grownups in the halls with computer cases and tote bags, and race after their group, eager for the next activity or adventure. And the teens – serving as panelists, speaking truth to adults – and otherwise making their presence felt… I always feel in awe of them. They know so much.
So, though I’ve presented before at the Gender Spectrum Conference, I’ve never been honored with presenting a program to the teenagers. I must confess I was a bit nervous! I even had my younger kid (age 16) check out my slide show beforehand, and give me some tips on what works for his age group, and what doesn’t. After that, I figured that if I flopped I could blame it on him!
So, the first session was packed with the older teen group, at least 20 kids! A lively, amazing bunch. I couldn’t have asked for a better, more engaged, fun and funnier group. The topic was “Beat Stress with Easy Mind-Body Self-Help Skills,” and so it was pretty interactive. The kids were intrigued with hypnosis too – and because several of them really wanted to be hypnotized, I did a short, progressive relaxation induction at the end, with a few suggestions for feeling great, empowered, and so on. I had a wonderful time. I hope they did too.
After lunch, a quieter experience though again, quite delightful! Only three girls – younger teens – and two camp counselors in attendance. It was nice to go through the same program again, in a more conversational way, and to also bring the counselors into the dialogue. All three girls had very different fashion styles. I really enjoyed seeing how they were bringing their personalities into the world in such individual ways. One of the girls mentioned that she had several nervous habits, and toward the end, she began rolling and unrolling her slap bracelet, and slapping it back into shape. Now I am easily distracted by repetitive noises. I lose my focus. It’s kind of weird, actually. And so I had to ask her to stop. She was too apologetic when I mentioned my predicament. I regretted having to say something, because there seemed to be a delicacy in our rapport. I felt like she may have been admonished too often, too many times, by teachers. I didn’t want to be just another grown-up stepping on her expression.
Anyway, I think well of her, and of all the youngsters who attended my two presentations. What they went home thinking and feeling about my sessions, I’ll never know. I hope some of what I taught will be useful for them. I am not sure why I feel that this is one of my favorite memories, but it is. There’s some lesson for me, perhaps, that I haven’t fully realized.
I enjoyed the next day’s session with the adults – another great bunch, another great learning experience. The handout I used is here, at the link below.
I have one other experience to share. My experience at the conference was marred by quite a lot of exposures to fragrances, both in other sessions and in corridors between sessions. I left early both days, in order to take care of myself – and so I really didn’t get my “money’s worth” from the conference in terms of being able to attend all sessions. And I am sorry to say that one woman was quite snippy with me in response to the sign I posted, asking for fragrance-free attendees in my Sunday workshop. That encounter left an ugly taste. But – really – shared air space is important. That’s why we don’t let people smoke inside anymore. And though I was probably the only person with environmental illness in attendance, I can’t have been the only person who suffers from asthma. They too, must have found this challenging!
I attended the last session in a face mask, unfortunately sitting in the front row and hopefully not unnerving the speakers. Usually I sit way at the back, as far away from other people as I can manage (for air space), but my sexology colleague wanted to be right up front and I wanted to sit with her. Next year, I’ll be asking the conference organizers for a fragrance-free sentence added to my workshop description, should they accept a presentation proposal from me.
Mostly, though, I am just so grateful to have had the chance to participate once again in this amazing event. It means a lot to me to participate. I live in such an isolated manner. Kudos to all who organized, spoke, and attended!
I used to have a hat with this logo, purchased from the Environmental Health Network of CA
Really. I hardly know where to begin. But thanks to my oldest son, in the last couple of days I’ve become aware of the controversy pertaining to the transphobic policies of the environmental group, Deep Green Resistance, and the laudable actions taken by those who have decided to withdraw their support of DGR for that reason, including Earth First! Here’s a quote from their blog:
“However, in light of DGR’s continued assault on trans people, with language and analysis that denies the struggles of trans-people and even goes so far as to deny the value, worth and power of their existence in radical movements, labeling trans people as somehow “not real,” or as Post-Modern manifestations of individualism, the Earth First! Journal collective will no longer print or in any way promote DGR material. While we don’t need to agree with an individual or organization to find their words or actions relevant for discussion we will not continue to include those whose core expression of values continues to promote exclusion and oppression.”
Updates on this issue from the Earth First! Newswire blog can be found here and here. I intend to follow this story.
So, a little background. I first became aware of DGR a couple of years ago, listening to an interview with Lierre Keith on KPFA. She was talking about “the vegetarian myth,” and I thought she had an interesting perspective. I even… (now I shudder to think of it)… bought her book on this topic. But I had no idea that my small purchase was going to support a person who holds deeply transphobic feelings and even goes so far as to deny the right of trans and gender variant people to exist.
Later, I found out that Keith belongs to the category of feminists who simply hate erotica. I am a sexologist and erotologist, so I realized that she would find my views on this topic abhorrent and might even view me as some kind of patriarchal dupe. Even so, I still had no idea that this was a person capable of spewing hate-filled words and creating hate-filled policies against people who are gender diverse.
Now, according to the Earth First! Newswire blog, Lierre Keith’s views can be described as “assumptions that trans people are some sort of Post-Modern expression of liberal individualism and that trans womyn in particular are manifestations of patriarchy in disguise.” The Earth First! blog article also featured a video of a rather smarmy young woman, apparently one of Keith’s followers, claiming to be a former “teenage age liberal” on the topic of gender. She sounded just like that misguided (and also smarmy) young woman who made a YouTube video to argue against the inclusion of a young trans girl in a Colorado Girl Scout troop. I hope some day she’ll feel ashamed of herself.
And I guess that brings me back to kids. And me being a mom and all that. People like Keith and Derrick Jensen of DGR just haven’t got a clue. They haven’t got a clue about the loooooong history of gender diversity in human beings, and they have no idea that very young children can be accurately aware that their inner sense of gender does not match their gender assignment at birth! Little “girls” who are really little trans boys are not going after “male privilege” and little “boys” who are really little trans girls are not patriarchal tools seeking to subvert all that feminism holds dear. They just want to be who they are, with names and clothes and toys and friends and parents who feel good to and about them. Experts in transgender and gender variant issues, including the parents and family members of such people, know this. And they know that acceptance is crucial to the survival of these kids!
So the astounding cruelty of denial coming from people like DGR is – let’s say it – an exercise in the very worst of adult privilege. Yep! Privilege! What Keith and Jensen and their ilk do is not just transphobia and cis-centrism, it’s also a very deliberate way for them, as powerful adults and opinion-leaders, to deny people of all ages their right to define themselves in the most basic manner without fear of reprisal, violence, abuse, or exclusion. And that’s frakking dangerous. It’s dangerous to the survival of innocent children, just like it’s dangerous to the survival of trans youth and trans adults.
Finally, I challenge Keith and Jensen to humbly attend the Gender Spectrum Family Conference in Berkeley this summer, so they can see and feel with their own eyes the joy of trans and gender variant kids in the act of being themselves, and the love of their supportive families. I challenge them to offer their snarky little gender analysis directly to parents who wonder hourly if their child or teen will come home intact after using the school bathroom or if their adult child will end up on the Day of Remembrance website. Such experiences might help Keith and Jensen to transform their own narrow, sadly pathetic little minds and their cramped, vicious little hearts. Perhaps there is hope for them and their ilk, but I’m not counting on it.
I write as the mother of two. One kid is cis-gender, the other is trans. I challenge Keith and Jensen to talk to me.
Here’s the announcement for today’s show, which features Rachel Pepper, editor of the new anthology Transitions of the Heart (see blog below), and myself as a contributor. There probably won’t be time for more than a couple of soundbites, but it’s gonna be great! I’m excited to be talking about the book, and Derek and Romaine sound pretty cool! Hope you listen in!
“Rachel Pepper and Amy Marsh are scheduled for a phone interview with Derek and Romaine of SiriusXM Satellite Radio Thursday May 31st at 8PM EST / 5PM PST. The interview will last about 15 minutes, and will broadcast live on SiriusXM OutQ 108. Listeners and fans are welcome to participate by calling 866-305-6887. For those who don’t subscribe to Sirius, a free online trial is available at http://www.Siriusxm.com.”
It’s on the shelves at last! This new book, edited by Rachel Pepper, is a collection of writing by mothers of transgender and gender variant children (of all ages). I am honored to be one of the contributors. I have been waiting to get a copy – not just because I was excited about my own first instance of book publication – but also because I felt hungry to read what other mothers have written. You see, I’ve been emotionally very much on my own as a parent these last few years, and there has been no one to really share anything with. I deal with all the milestones (and most of the small matters) in isolation, including the very great and important one of my oldest son’s transition.
So, I sat down and read the book from cover to cover yesterday afternoon. And my hunger was appeased in some ways, and heightened in others! Now I want real community, real people, to talk with on a more regular basis. There are many reasons for this. The elements of my unconventional family life is one of them. Not knowing any other parents of trans kids personally, except for the parents of my son’s fiance, is another.
But I can’t really review this book – I am too close to it. So here’s one I found at Kirkus.
I hope Rachel Pepper begins to collect writing from fathers and other family members too. That would make a great follow-up to this book. Truly.
In the meantime, if you are in the SF Bay Area, come to the June 6th book party and reading at Books, Inc., 1760 – 4th Street, Berkeley, at 7 PM. I’ll be there, along with some of the other contributors. I hope to see you there too!
Whatever we are doing to stop violence against transgender and gender variant people – it is not enough. Whatever we are doing to stop the ignorance and hatred – it is not enough.
In the last two weeks, several disturbing and now frightening incidents have converged around me and around people I love. Let me recount…
First, there was an ignorant series of Linked In posts by a fairly obscure tantra teacher whom I happen to know somewhat (though I have now severed all contact). The posts began innocently enough with a rather strange tirade against anal sex as the source of supposedly harmful “reverse kundalini.” When asked for evidence or source material for his views, he presented a tangle of tremendously homophobic quotes from the book, Sexual Secrets, which I have never actually read, as well as some other equally ignorant material by a purveyor of herbal products. Of course, red flags were flying at this point and a number of people moved into the discussion on one of the groups which contained these posts. In the other, I was the lone respondent.
It then got worse – to the point where this man, in the name of “ancient wisdom,” declared that homosexual and transgender children were born as a result of anal sex (and this supposed reverse kundalini flow). And the frustrating thing was that even though he continuously used words like “degenerate practices” (seriously!), he also claimed to not have anything personally against people who are gay and trans. Apparently, he even roomed with two gay guys once, and drank beer with them. He presented this as evidence that he was not homophobic. It’s the old “some of my best friends are…” trope.
Some of his posts were so out there that they were flagged and deleted from one group, as being just too hateful and inappropriate. But he continued to vent, wanting the last word. He even posted other threads about his ideas being laughed at, using a kind of aggrieved, “prophet without honor in his own land” tone. Eventually I decided to remove all of my oppositional energy from the threads and deleted my own responses, thus leaving the Tantric Troll and his “ancient wisdom” hanging out to dry. This had the unexpected but very welcome effect of his deleting his posts as well.
There have been other posts on the topic of transgender and gender variance as well, some by helping professionals in countries and cultures which have a very different view or tolerance of sexual and gender variance. And yet these posts, though they do contain some disturbing assumptions, at least seem to be posted with the intention of learning more.
All in a day’s work – or a week’s work – on the internet, right? You get trolls, flames, whatever. But then last night I happen to read my oldest son’s blog, and learned that his fiance had been threatened with a gun, and death, from a group of men who said, “Let’s kill the tranny,” right here on the streets of San Francisco. Fortunately, the fiance ran, and is safe. But it could have easily gone the other way. Thank goodness it didn’t. Please, never let it go the other way. Please.
I cherish my son. I cherish his lover. I want them to have a long and happy life together. They are so much in love, and so very dear and full of promise. I want this for all young people – gay, straight, of color, of pale, transgendered, cisgendered… I think most of us want our children and youth to survive and thrive – and I don’t want any more parents, siblings, and communities to feel the vast despair of loosing a young (or older) life to vicious hate.
I realize that we can’t just speak up after tragedies anymore. We have to be proactive, intensely proactive, and prevent those tragedies from happening. We have to stand up for every young life and say, this person counts, this person matters, and we are not going to let harm come to this child – even if the child is in their mid-20s or beyond. Because once a parent, always a parent, and that former child is the center of a constellation of love and hope. And though we can’t make the world a completely safe place for all, I do think we can make it a less hateful and violent one for most. And so I’m looking for the right organization, the most effective, proactive organization or initiative I can find and I intend to pour my heart and soul into it – so that there are no more hateful deaths, and no more murder victim names to read aloud during Transgender Day of Remembrance. I welcome your suggestions.
Join me in making our communities safer and more accepting.
