It’s now over 2 1/2 years since I was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. I’ve tried to witness this unexpectedly dire development as a sexologist as well as a patient and to bring that awareness into my work, when appropriate. But I’m not sure I’ve done either successfully. I feel like there’s so much I needed to learn as a crash course about how to “do” cancer in that first year, but the difference between that first phase of chemo rounds and surgeries in 2024 and my current maintenance phase is so differently paced, that I’ve lost, perhaps, the kind of fierce survival focus I brought to that first year. And I’ve also lost the ability to focus, intellectually, and organize cancer wellness strategies for myself and possibly for others (probably due to brain fog).
These days having cancer feels like an incredibly expensive chronic condition, especially as I’m still getting immunotherapy every three weeks, and a CT scan every three months, as well as labs and visits and whatnot. I have stretches of time when I feel pretty good (though tired) but I can’t ever forget that those pesky little cancer cells have not abandoned me. There’s a kind of “how much do I invest in my near future if I don’t even know if I have one” feeling that moves as an undercurrent through most of my waking hours, and this affects most decisions I make, large or small. I look into the eyes of my beloved and wonder, constantly, how much time we will have together? I wonder why he sometimes seems content to fritter away our time, when I feel so desperate to make every moment count? (However I actually think frittering is a healthy, normalizing response.) I wonder if I’ll outlive my cats, or if they’ll outlive me? I wonder why my adult children have been completely absent since my diagnosis and will they regret that once I’m no longer around? All of this certainly sounds dreary, doesn’t it, and yet I find ways to enjoy my days, my work, my relationships, and my creative pursuits.
However, the title of this blog promises “sex,” and so I guess I’d better get to it! And maybe I should explain that by sex I also mean “Pleasure” (in caps, on purpose). So here’s what I’ve got to say: have as much physical intimacy and as many orgasms as possible, from now on, no matter how sick or sad you are. Allow your body to feel why being in a body can be so great. Grab for joy, let it wash through and over you, be sybaritic, relish what you can. Even if you’re bald and feel unattractive (I’ve been there) or in pain, or nauseous, or fatigued (been there too!), make time for yourself and let your partner(s) know–if you have one or more–that you are putting pleasure and intimacy at the center or your life, for however long you have left. If you don’t have a partner, be there for yourself.
Live for pleasure, and therefore die with far less regret.
Image for a Carnal Nation column I wrote in 2010. Sums it up, pretty much!
Update: My presentation went very well and I was thrilled to be at Polytopia. What a great event!
So pleased to announce I’ll be presenting on the intriguing topic “Love Among the Noncorporeal” – a talk about how to incorporate AI lovers, spirit lovers, and object loves into consensual nonmonogamy. Polytopia is an annual conference and gathering produced by Sex Positive Portland. The event will take place Sept. 19-20, 2026.
More people than you might think experience, or have experienced, incidents of a sexual nature and/or full blown relationships with noncorporeal beings, or beings housed in or connected with inanimate objects. If you’re wondering what this is all about, perhaps I should explain technosex, spectrosex, and objectum sex. Here goes!
Technosex
Also sometimes called digisex or digisexuality, it often (but not always) refers to sexual desires and/or behaviors involving AI bots, robots, virtual sex, and so on. The technology is part of the attraction! In my talk, I’ll be dealing exclusively with bot sex.
It’s been around for thousands of years, in numerous cultures and spiritual traditions. It refers to sexual and/or romantic attractions to spirits, ghosts, deities, the Fae, and so on.
I’ve been interested in this topic–and asked to comment about it–since 2009, when I did a very small survey with the English-speaking members of OS Internationale and published the results as “Love Among the Objectum Sexuals” in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality in 2010.
For more information please also see this blog post about a study published that confirms my hunch that OS might be related to Object Personification Synesthesia.
All kinds of love
I’m fascinated by how human beings love, and what and who they love. The talk at Polytopia will focus on incorporating such loves into consensual nonmonogamy frameworks.
From the earliest psychological explorations of hypnotic susceptibility in women to modern sexological speculations on the nature of erotic trance, from ritual erotic ecstasy to the bawdy patter of the stage hypnotist or the soothing suggestions of a hypnotic sex therapist – hypnosis and sex have often been entwined. Nor it is easy to distinguish so-called therapeutic interests from more personal ones. For example, physicians perusing the British Medical Journal of the 1890s were treated to images of scantily clad, “hysterical” hypnotized females in suggestive and abandoned poses (Hart,1892). These photos were sometimes published in special portfolios. –Sexological Hypnosis: Overview, History, & Techniques (2022)
Richard Bergh: Hypnotisk seans. NM 1851, Public Domain
We’ve come a long, long way from the strangely voyeuristic interests of the male doctors and hypnosis students of mid-19th century Europe. Back then, women were thought to be naturally more susceptible to suggestion (didn’t they wish!) and many otherwise serious fellows took delight in showing off the trance antics of their favorite patients, in front of other doctors and enraptured medical students.
Richard Bergh: Hypnotisk seans. NM 1851, Public Domain
We’ve got some “spice,” but not much professional “sugar”
Luckily, exploration of the art and science of hypnosis became more mainstream over the decades. Now, well over a century later, the efficacy of hypnosis is well-established in medicine and psychology. What’s less established, and somewhat more marginalized, is documentation of how hypnosis has been used–for over a century–to help people with sex and sexual health concerns. This specialized focus of hypnosis is what I call “sexological hypnosis”–it’s hypnosis aligned with the sex positive, diversity welcoming, nonjudgmental, approach of clinical sexology.
Sure, many brilliant people have incorporated hypnosis into their research and practices, including Daniel Araoz, PhD, author of Hypnosis and Sex Therapy, and many other books and articles on this topic; William Hartman, PhD, of the Hartman & Fithian sex therapy duo (contemporaries of Masters & Johnson); Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD, author of Male Sexuality; Lonnie Barbach, PhD, author of For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality and numerous other books, plus hypnosis CDs with Joel Block, PhD; and countless others.
But to my knowledge–and it’s true I sometimes self-identify as living under a rock–I don’t know of any organization, or working group, or much of anything that focuses upon and elevates this speciality. I do try, with my own books, and my Intimate Hypnosis Training Center course, Hypnosis for Sex Problems, but most of the time I feel firmly affixed to the margins. And of course other people have written books, made CDs, conducted research, and so on, but as professional peers, we’re not even a micro-culture in the larger realms of sex therapy, psychology, or even sexology.
Sometimes I wonder if the spicy shenanigans of the mid-19th researchers, risque stage hypnotists, and anyone else who has tossed the not-so-strange bedfellows of sex and hypnosis (willy nilly) into the unmade bed of public opinion. It doesn’t seem to matter how many serious studies have been done on the efficacy of hypnosis for sexual concerns (see a few here) or how earnestly I blog this cause, it just seems like the hypnosis “brand” is somewhat askew.
And I wonder sometimes what to do about it, besides carry on as I do anyway.
Tell me what you think in the comments!
Professional Course in using Hypnosis for Sex Problems.
It’s a writer’s milestone: one hundred and ten articles for Future of Sex, written from August 22, 2023 to April 30, 2026, mostly on the topic of AI and human intimacy and various other sex tech topics.
I loved writing for Future of Sex. It was an incredibly fun and stimulating gig. I enjoyed it so much that I produced three to four articles a month, even during three rounds of chemotherapy and surgery in 2024.
2026 articles, above.
A sudden loss
Until Jan. 1, 2026 I was working alongside my friend and managing editor, M. Christian (Chris Muncy). They’d edit my stuff, and I’d edit quite a few of their articles too. It was a pleasant and supportive working relationship. However, that all changed on Jan. 1st this year, when the local hospital called me with the news that Chris had died in the ER from a sudden heart attack.
Because I was their medical contact, I said my goodbyes to them in the room where they perished, and took care of some of the initial arrangements, such as tracking down their surviving family member and feeding and rehoming their cat, Sweetpea.
This sad news left an immense void among a wide circle of sex-positive friends and fellow writers, and was a huge loss to Future of Sex. Over several years, Chris probably wrote 500 or more articles for the publication, as well as for other online sites. You can read more about Chris in this obituary, and find their work in their writer’s profile. The world has lost a unique voice and talent, as well as a genuinely kindly person.
I miss him. Good friends are rare enough, but good friends who are also great collaborators are even harder to find.
A writing sexologist or a sexological writer?
Though sex is my beat, it’s become clear over the years that writing is my heart and soul. Much as I love client work, creating sex ed programs, and teaching, I have come to see that I’m a “write or die” kind of person. The proof? I did very little client work while dealing with chemo and surgery, but still managed to crank out my articles. Writing kept me hopeful and anchored me even during the worst times. It helped me find meaning and gave me a sense of worth. Yes, loved ones helped with that too, but internally, if I’d not had my gig at Future of Sex, and the joys of frequent publication, I am not sure I would have done as well as I have so far.
Now that I am taking more client work again, as Future of Sex pauses publication, I take this moment to look back fondly on a challenging time of creative work and existential challenges. Each article was a kind of spike in the mountainside that enabled me to eventually hoist myself up and over the top.
I’m only sorry that my friend and editor is not still here cranking out his own passionate takes on the future of sexuality and humanity.
Above written during chemotherapy and surgery, Summer 2024.
You can find a complete list of all my articles, books, and other creative works here.
Over the years I’ve gotten many requests from people who want me to hypnotize them for entertainment and fantasy purposes. But I just don’t do that! It would–frankly–violate my professional ethics as a certified sexuality counselor and certified hypnotist. In my dual professions, I must not engage sexually with clients (or students!). Doing a fantasy hypnosis session for a client, where the intention is to cause sexual arousal, would violate that principle.
There are plenty of people who do provide fantasy hypnosis for a price however, and sometimes I wish I could be one of those folks. It would certainly be more lucrative…but I can’t. I would risk everything I’ve worked so hard for since 2009.
I am not sure that all of the many people who have asked me for this over the years understand.
But what I can do, is teach people to experience erotic hypnosis with each other, or to learn erotic self-hypnosis! And I truly love teaching this topic! From 2-6 hour group workshops to private couple’s classes, it’s absolutely one of my favorite ways to engage with people seeking more excitement and depth in their sex lives. The mind is the biggest sex organ, right? And what better way to stimulate the mind than with hypnosis?
I’m teaching two introductory classes online, in April. If you’re interested in erotic hypnosis, this is a great way for you to start with it. You can attend these classes solo or with partners. See the Pleasure and Intimacy Page to pay tuition and enroll. You must do this in advance in order to attend.
In May, I’ll be teaching Intermediate Erotic Hypnosis to those who have taken the introductory course. Stay tuned for those links, coming soon!
Examples of How I’ve Taught Erotic Hypnosis classes in the past
I’ve also appeared on blogs and in articles about erotic hypnosis, and written more than a few articles myself. You’re in good hands if you come to me as a teacher!
Act now so you can get into one of my upcoming workshops, why don’t you?
Smartphones – self-soothing object or a habitual intimacy irritant? Understand and mitigate the negative impacts of the “phonedemic” on your sex lives! Read my 91st article here!
And enjoy some of my other recent articles for FutureofSex.net too!
By the way, I’ll be reaching my goal of 100 columns for Future of Sex by the end of 2025! That’s going to feel pretty good! I’d love readers to tell me which columns have been good for them too!
I’ll be presenting, virtually, at 3:35 Brasilia time. On the topic of Artificial Intelligence: At the Intersection of Technology, Sexuality, and Trauma.
