Top Ten Sexually Cheesy and Warped Music Videos (and Their Antidotes)

I should really post this in my Rock Erotology blog, but for some reason, I want it here. Out of kindness, I provide musical “antidotes” to counteract the excruciating experiences of today’s blog selections.

10. Billy Squier (who???): Rock Me Tonight. 4:49 minutes of pure visual and audible hell. Not for the squeamish. Trigger warning: pink satin sheets.

Antidote – Iron Butterfly: In a Gadda Da Vida. Because it’s 17:02 minutes long, utterly sincere in its own timeless way, and will help you forget all about… those… pink… satin… sheets.

9. Shocking Blue: Venus. Something about the combination of mismatched lip syncing, eyelashes, and neo-tantra goddess lyrics puts this 1969 video in the number 9 spot. But I don’t hate it – it’s kinda cute.

Antidote – Suzi Quatro: Can the Can. 3:30. Circa 1973. Listen to it twice.

8. Neil Diamond: Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon. 3:13. This song has always creeped me out – and I don’t care that it had an ironic revival as a cover in the Pulp Fiction soundtrack. It’s still eeewwy… It will always be eeewwy…

Antidote – Runaways: Cherry Bomb. 2:12. Or this version. 2:09.

7. Olivia Newton John: Physical. 3:43. You’ll have more fun planning your alien abduction than you will watching this video. Why bother? Go straight to the antidote.

Antidote – Adam Ant: Physical (You’re So). Oh god yes. Circa 1980.

6. Adam Ant: Strip. 3:47. Sorry, Adam.

Antidote – T Rex: 20th Century Boy. 3:28. Rocks so pretty.

5. Nancy Sinatra: These Boots are Made for Walking. 2:30. Kitsch and kink mingle in a pasticine soup. Dark panties add extra lustre.

Antidote – Liam Lynch: Let’s Make Love in the 3rd Dimension. 2:22. From the master…

4. The Sweet: Little Willy. 2:53. One of the worst songs of all time. Really. Seriously. Don’t listen. Oozes cheese and ear worms.

Antidote – Cramps: I Want to Get in Your Pants. 4:19. That’s better now, isn’t it?

3. Rod Stewart: Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? 4:30. Trigger warning: Rod bounces. On stage.

Antidote – Revolting Cocks: Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? 5:08. No, I think you’re warped. But at least you don’t bounce. Much. On stage.

Actually, we need an antidote to the antidote – Cramps: What’s Inside a Girl/Hot Pearl Snatch. 6:56. Live 1986. Leaves a fresh, clean taste.

2. Leonard Nimoy: The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins. 2:20. Lots of girls.

Antidote – Nine Inch Nails: Closer (The K/S video). 3:28. Yes. I know. Obvious.

1. Village of the Giants (film): The so-called “Groovy Dance Clip.” 1965. There is no antidote. Sorry about that.