These days, in television and movies, “hot sex” (usually the cis-het variety) is always a face chewing kiss, absolutely no foreplay, a bang against the wall (or on a table), one hot thrust into an immediately lubricated orifice, a few more moans and thrusts, and then it’s over–both partners presumably satisfied and spent. The scripts always call for the female actors to orgasm in the time it takes to open a can of catfood. And no make-up was harmed in the filming of this sex scene. 

Of course I realize that filmic treatment of sex–whether in mainstream entertainment or commercial porn–has very little resemblence to most incidents of real-life human sexual behavior, but I’ve long suspected that many other people don’t understand this and that they model their behavior and their ideals on this impossible scenario. They are also deprived of the message that taking time to inhabit their own sensuality and that of their partner offers greater opportunities for enjoyment.

Common sense about cis-female and cis-male physiology and sexual responses aside (most cis-women do NOT orgasm at warp speed unless it’s with a vibrator on or near their clit, and no, lifting a partner up against a wall is not the most comfortable way to have vaginal penetrative sex…)–I find myself saddened about the lack of attention to sensuality as a key ingredient of embodiment and satisfying sex (of all kinds, not just PV penetration).

It’s not that lust isn’t a great element of human sex, it’s just that it’s not the only element as the media would have us believe. And we have to understand that the greatest kindlings of lust arise from a history of desire and longing based on glances, flirtations, brief touch, fantasy, words, visual cues, and so on. It might be a brief history for some, but if you’re in touch with your sensuality, the match of lust struck to the kindling of sensuality sparks the brightest flame.

Without sensuality, lust becomes boring–“Wham, bam. Here’s the false eyelash you dropped. Where’s a tissue? Thank you ma’am.” Meh.

Many people are alive only from the neck up, with an occasional hyper-focus on their genitals. They’re missing the dream-like “erotic trance” of caress, kiss, suck, sigh, glide, smooth, rest, press, hold, grip, move, fuck, kiss, caress, climax, suck, sigh, hold, melt” with time out for a sip of water or wine (“never tasted so good!”) and a bite of fruit (“tell me again about the ripe peaches you picked…”). All the suspense that preceeded the first touch or kiss, all the desire-heightening gestures that are given the dreary name of “foreplay,” and the melting sensation of the afterglow (aptly named)–these are essential elements that so many miss and that most media never shows.


Sensual starvation is no fun. It’s half a life, unlived. But a sensual diet is easy to adopt. Revel in music, the movement of your own body as it walks or dances, and the utter dropping away of tension when you relax. Feel your own skin, enjoy how your thigh feels against your hand. Enjoy how your lover’s thigh feels against your groin. Inhale, smell, breathe. Let rain drop on your eyelids. Let sun warm your limbs. Pull the orgasm into the rest of your body. Imagine your eyelashes cumming.

You can do it. And hey–looks like I’ve just written the start of another erotic hypnosis script. That’s one great addition to a sensual diet, but that’s also another blog post.

Enjoy to the utmost what there is to enjoy in your day. Cultivate your pleasures, both large and small.